Everyone has a point in their life where the reflect on what they have become. 10 years go, if you would have told me I’d be working for a tech company running a Hosting Environment, I would have believed you. 10 years ago, if you told me I’d go home from that job to 3 children and a wife, I would have questioned your sanity. Some parts of me have been very predictable, while other parts have been small surprises.
To be honest, I’ve been dealing with a bit of depression lately. I’m reevaluating who I am as an employee, a father, a friend, and a husband. I feel like I’ve made my share of failures in all four departments over time. My biggest struggle has been juggling the four departments simultaneously. In doing so, I think I’ve neglected to actually work on me. Now, please don’t confuse that statement with the same statement a selfish person would say to justify a change in lifestyle. No big purchases here (can’t afford it), no sudden career changes (unwise), no lavish hobbies (see reason number one).
I’m guessing my depression stems from the fact that I’ve tried so desperately to excel in the four areas mentioned above, I’ve lately managed to burn myself out. I’ve entered into a routine of going through the motions, something I never really attributed myself to before. I’m just not a “go through the motions” kind of guy. I get bored. Even more so, I’ve made some missteps in managing certain aspects of my life and household, I’ve let those cascade into my identity. It’s well, rather – depressing. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to slit my wrists are cry myself to sleep every night – but to be honest faithful readers (all one of you), I’m just confused about what to do next.
I first tried the familiar instant-gratification route. In high school in college, I had a fish tank hobby. At one time, I had too many fish tanks, that I’m pretty sure my parents were ready to kill me. I loved it though, I really, really enjoyed it. I was obnoxious about my fish, designing the aquarium, keeping them happy – and just viewing their world I created. So, last weekend, I found a fish tank on craigslist – a lot like my last one before I moved out of my parents house a long time ago. I was excited. I spent the whole day cleaning my fish tank and matching stand, and the equipment it came with. I even went out that night to look at some accessories / stuff I would need to get it started. Then, the reality hit me of just how expensive of a hobby it is. I guess I had more disposable income in college, some of this stuff is atrocious, and I just could not justify it. I wanted to, I just couldn’t. It’s not like I’m poor, but the father/household part of me said “no – there are other things we need.” So, being the responsible parent / father I am – the fish tank remains on hold until I won’t feel guilty about doing something with it. Right now, it sits empty in my living area. I kind of like it empty. It’s amusing. I’ll get around to it – I really want to, but that might be awhile, and I’m not complaining. All good things come to those who wait.
I’m also the trying “move in the right direction route.” I’ve met with an admissions counselor to look into going back to school. When I started college, a bachelors didn’t exist for what I wanted to do, I had to go the 2 year degree route and then certifications. Now, as I’ve matured and so has the world of education to mach the tech-industry, I’m looking at jumping back in – finishing up with a bachelors degree which should lead to new opportunities. Maybe even give me the money for a really cool fish tank. With sharks. Now that would be neat.
So I guess tonight I really don’t have anything that witty. No catch phrase. No one liners. No real message. I’m just here, on my blog. Trying to figure out what to do next.
It’ll all work out. God’s yet to fail me there.